Sports Priest
Born in Twin Falls, Idaho and taken against his will to the promised land of Minneapolis, Minnesota to pursue the finer things in life such as sports gambling, deleting Bud Light Ultras, and staying STD-free via abstinence, Priest is taking the world by storm with his unprecedented sports slander and “can’t lose” betting mentality. Of course sports betting is much easier with a time machine, and that is exactly why he built one in 1999 at just eleven years old. After accidentally learning he was conceived in the bathroom of Long John Silver’s, Priest immediately destroyed the machine choosing to live a much simpler life practicing sports religiously. He still uses his impeccable ability to predict the future when making incredible picks that are guaranteed to win money. For sharing these insights, Sports Priest truly is a man of the people.
PIST KP
What is left to say about PIST KP that can’t be found on his arrest records already? KP is the enforcer, the brains, and the degenerate guru behind this magic show. In fifth grade he was kicked out of Miss Nelson’s elementary school class for an inappropriate teacher-student relationship with the principal. His hometown has been condensed to a single building called “Canterbury Park” in Shakopee, MN where KP learned to predict the future. A part-time gambler, full-time degenerate.
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Possibly Intoxicated Sports Takes (PIST) 